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THE PREVIEW OF HATE, WEEK TWO: TIME FOR THE SADNESS PILLOWS

After the Rocky Mountain Showdown last week, the Rams now take on UTSA to regain their dignity

Colorado v Colorado State
oh god
Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

Hey guys, what’s happening? I just woke up from a week long nap I took starting last Thursday and I didn’t see the Rocky Mountain Showdown, I’m assuming everything went according to plan though. Let me just search for it online and check the box score, see how Stevens pulled out the upset and the defense came together to hold a powerful Buffs offense quiet.

Ah.

In a night where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, the Rams found themselves completely inept and beaten in every single facet of the football game. Colorado State started bad, got worse, showed some life, then got worse again in their 44-7 embarrassment against CU.

Nick Stevens couldn’t handle an ounce of pressure and he got a gallon, the offensive line was overwhelmed from the start, the Buffs defense was faster, stronger, and better than every single member of the Rams offense. But hey, starting Bauta should fix it, right?

The Rams defense went base 3-4, hoping to stall the Buffs running game and keep Sefo Liufau in the pocket. That didn’t work for even a second. The Buffs offense scored quickly, they scored often, and the Rams defense never once looked like it was comfortable or confident in it’s abilities.

Everything I worried about two weeks ago showed it’s ugly head in Denver last Friday. The Rams don’t have a quarterback, their skill players are raw, the defense is so young it looks like they might as well have started literal infants. The worst part? It was on national TV.

In what may have been the biggest Big 12 audition the school has had, Colorado State no-showed. CU may be a Pac-12 South contender this year, we don’t know how good that team will end up, but the confidence in Fort Collins is potentially at an all-time low.

This weeks opponent is UTSA. A college I didn’t know existed until last season when the Rams played them in San Antonio, but apparently they’ve been FBS for almost four seasons now! The Roadrunners won their first game 26-13 over FCS opponent Alabama State on a strong night from their quarterback Dylan Sturm.

Let’s hop into the Tiers before we start crying again.

Tier One this week is the Alamo.

Look, I don’t hate San Antonio that much. I went when I was six years old and from what I can remember, I seem to have enjoyed myself.

San Antonio is a nice town with nice people, Texas has the strange distinction of being both overrated and underrated at the same time. San Antonio is definitely an underrated gem of a town that more people should mention when they talk about Texas.

But, the Alamo is a trash museum.

The story of The Alamo is a good one of America’s inherent ability to be stubborn in the worst ways at the best times. Basically, if you don’t know it, Texas was in a revolution with Mexico and General Santa Ana went 0 to 100 on the Alamo fighters in San Antonio, because they refused to leave or surrender. He killed all of them, showing no mercy. His cruelty at the Alamo led to the battle cry “Remember the Alamo!” which rallied troops from all over the state to join the fight. The Texans defeated Santa Ana at the battle of San Jacinto, the war ended, and now we have the Dallas Cowboys.

The Alamo itself is a cool old building, the outside is iconic and worthy of it’s fame.

The museum though, super lame.

Like I said, I was six years old when I went through the Alamo, so I could be just peering through the eyes of a child who was pissed that the Alamo didn’t have McDonald’s french fries. But, beyond the story of the Alamo and the building itself, there isn’t a lot to display from the fight. You could show a gun or a uniform of a fighter. Maybe have someone tell the story of a typical day during the siege, I don’t know. The Alamo doesn’t do that though.

The Alamo rounded up every artifact they could, whether good or not, and put them in glass cases around the building. This lead to things being displayed that really shouldn’t have been. Things like Davy Crockett’s fork and random left boots.

It was just a disappointment. I don’t care what fork Davy used, I think history buffs get a little crazy sometimes.

Tier Two.

Your mascot is a road runner.

Meep meep! Are you serious? Are you trying to get sponsorship from Warner Brothers?

What were the other options? A field mouse? A jackrabbit? Syphilis? Here’s a picture of an actual roadrunner for reference:

Wikipedia

Oh yeah, that’s real intimidating. An animal that is thirteen inches tall, good one UTSA.

“But,” you yell in your frustration. “Roadrunners are super fast Connor!”

Great, awesome, cool. Horseflies can fly at 145 km/hour but you don’t see any college circling FIGHTIN HORSEFLIES when they pick their whack mascot name.

Roadrunners are lame, give me a strong, powerful mascot over something that runs real quick to get away from it’s primary predators. Heck, why does it have to be an animal? San Antonio’s mascot could easily be the rebels or the warriors or the Davy Crockett’s Forks. I just don’t get it.

Tier Three

This game.

Suddenly, after a 37 point loss to an in-state rival, this stupid game against the UTSA Roadrunners is a must win affair.

If the Rams had lost by one possession or showed up at all last Friday night there might be some leniency with this result, a loss would hurt but an 0-2 start could be worse.

Not now, not with that performance. The Rams need a turnaround, a blowout loss to Colorado University followed by a home loss to UTSA? There would be more than one person calling this season a disaster already.

CSU needs this game, which is ridiculous to say in a week two game, but they need this game badly. A win here and you can start to put together a bowl season, a loss and you’re basically done. This game SHOULDN’T mean this much, it should just be a non-con game to get the guy’s heads right. But damn, this game means something.

Tier Four

The quarterbacks.

Look, I’m not saying start Stevens again, he looked pitiful against CU. But this idea in everyone’s head that Faton Bauta is going to salvage the season is at least a misguided one.

The most popular man in America is always the backup quarterback, but that doesn’t necessarily make him good. I watched people spend hours arguing for Coleman Key last year but he never really showed actual, tangible D-1 skills.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe Bauta is what this offense needs, a QB who can scramble away and make plays. But, if Stevens regressed as much as it looks like he did, how did Bauta not win the job outright? It’s not like Stevens was named the starter before the year, it was an open competition that Bauta lost. So if Bauta is better it’s either something Bobo didn’t see, which is worrying, or it’s crazy improvement from Faton’s in game play. Not like that hasn’t happened before, but it’s just not likely.

I don’t want to throw the season away, but if the team can’t pass and can’t get comfortable on defense, the bowl chances are slipping quickly.

Maybe Collin Hill will be the answer, maybe we’ll never know.

All I know is I hate it.

★ ★ ★

Just don’t let your sadness pillow get too far away from you on Saturday, if the Rams play like they did on Friday we’re going to need it.

Tune in next week, it’s going to be a great week as I roast Greeley and the University of Northern Colorado.