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What the crap

NCAA Football: Colorado State at Air Force Isaiah J. Downing-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome to The Preview of Hate, a wildly popular preview column following the Colorado State Rams athletic program. Each week, we’ll dive into "Tiers" of things I hate about the upcoming matchup. Whether that be the opposing team’s uniforms, city, campus, or even the actual game. This week, we look at the upcoming matchup with the New Mexico Lobos.

Before we begin with the ever popular Tiers, let us discuss the things that happened in Colorado Springs last weekend.

I’d rather not, but I will. Because I owe that to you. Yes, I am a hero, thank you.

In a game that could be best described as “back and forth” and worst described as “a normal football game”, Air Force racked up 534 yards of offense. 400 of which were on the ground which made the Rams defense look like they’d just met each other on Thursday.

The officiating was brutal, apparently you can be called, then not called for targeting on a play that you should’ve been called for roughing the passer in the first place. The Air Force defense discovered a little known caveat of the “Double Jeopardy” law in that you can’t be charged with a new foul if your other foul was worse. So I can’t be convicted of racketeering if I get away with murder, heck yeah.

The horrible call aside, the Rams defense wasn’t great on Saturday. The run defense was so bad I thought about calling The Red Cross for donations. I couldn’t fathom how easy it looked for Air Force to run through the front seven. If I was ever going to be in a Twilight Zone episode it would be one where my favorite football team plays an eternal game against a team they cannot tackle. This was that game.

Now, we’re in dire straits. 5-5 with games against two good teams coming up. Even a 6-6 record isn’t a guarantee with so many bowl eligible teams in the Mountain West this year. Suddenly, CSU isn’t just in trouble they’re floating down a river on a log that keeps falling apart. This game, this loss, was a disaster of a performance. Not even going to mention it brings us to a nice and round 0-3 against rivals this week. This tweener year became a real downer, man.

The Rams three worst defensive performances came against CU, Wyoming, and Air Force. What a let down.

Anyway, to the Tiers.

The desert.

Albuquerque is in an area of the country that many people call “the southwest” but that I call the “too hot in the summer to ever go there.”

I understand New Mexico has mountainous regions and ABQ actually does have all four seasons, but their summer is miserable and I wished for nothing but death when I experienced it. I drove into Albuquerque in June 2008 a young man excited for the path that was before me. I left an aging, wrinkled mess. It was 97 degrees at 9 PM. It was clear and literal torture.

The desert is my nightmare. Whenever there is a movie set in it, I start sweating. I liken my time in the desert to any single moment in the four Mad Max films. Just a lot of sweaty people yelling at each other and me mumbling to myself about the destruction of Earth.

The Pit.

Can we get over it already? We get it, it’s super loud and everyone goes there. We freaking get it.

Not to mention the formal name of the arena is freaking WISEPIES ARENA. New Mexico fans are no longer allowed to hate on Boise’s Albertson’s Field or Louisville’s KFC Yum! Center. You are named after a regional pizza chain and you just call it The Pit and hope nobody notices.

Look at what the first result is when you google The Pit:

“aka The Pit”.

Also Known As folks. Like WisePies Arena is a gangster placed into WITSEC or the singer Seal.

I refuse to call it The Pit. From here on out the New Mexico Lobos will play in WisePies Arena and they will eat DumbPies when they lose. I can’t believe they let us fall for it! For seven years now it’s been named WisePies Arena and we’ve just let it slide like a bunch of morons!

Not. Anymore.

The Pit is officially dead, long live WisePies Arena.

Tier Three.

I cannot go an entire Preview of Hate without worrying about CSU’s run defense some more.

New Mexico has the number three scoring offense in the conference with 36.7 points per game, even worse is that their offense is an offense unlike any other. It’s a triple option run out of the pistol by Bob Davie, the Rams already showed they struggled with a worse triple option and now run into one that is running on all cylinders right now.

The Lobos have won five in a row, mostly by single digits, but have scored over 20 points in all of them and 40+ twice.

The Rams rush defense is somehow not last in the conference but that’s probably just because the Rams are the borderline from the good teams and the bad teams. Behind CSU are Nevada, Fresno, Hawai’i and San Jose State. Four schools with an average of 3 wins a piece.

Think of CSU this season as the Mendoza Line. If you’re above it, you’re doing pretty good, having a mostly successful season. If you’re below it, you’re probably getting cut.

The Mountain West’s Mendoza Line now faces the best rushing offense in the conference.


Tier Four

Jeremy from Subway in Albuquerque who said they were out of hot sauce but I clearly saw the hot sauce behind the counter.

You think I didn’t see it Jeremy, you’ve probably lived your whole life thinking you scammed this 22 year old kid in town to announce CSU volleyball. But I saw, I saw the whole time. And I will have my revenge, Jeremy.

I’ve been plotting for years now to return to this Subway, ask for hot sauce, and when I get that hot sauce I will be sealing it in a vacuum bag. After sealing the sauce I will slowly earn the trust of the manager of the Subway, becoming their friend, after several long months of friendship I will ask if that manager knew you.

If they know you, I will ask, off the cuff, if they have your address. I will acquire your address with ease Jeremy. They don’t know my plan, how could they? But I do.

With that hot sauce I sealed months before, I will walk to your home and knock on the door. You will not see this coming Jeremy. How could you know? You’ve probably forgotten. But I haven’t.

You will answer this door, I will ask if it’s you. You will say yes, you don’t remember me after all. I will say “Hello, I just moved in down the street and I would like to bring you some cake.” I will present this cake to you.

Now is when I will make my move Jeremy.

With the hot sauce I was given, the hot sauce you said you didn’t have five November’s ago, I will wait until you’re about to the cake and then I will cover it in the hot sauce.

You will have ruined cake.

Enjoy your ruined cake, Jeremy. Hopefully the effort you saved in claiming you were out of hot sauce was worth it.

★ ★ ★

Lobos by 10. Rams are toast. I’m that guy now.

See ya next week for the last PoH of the year (released one day early due to Thanksgiving.)